We Can't Always Get What We Want
by GEM8
Summary: New Chapters Added! In order for him to be President, the people have to elect him. We are the People. We help make the history. Olivia contemplates her decisions regarding Fitz and answers a question Verna once asked her What do you want out of this? What did you get out of this?
1. Chapter 1

Title We Can't Always Get What We Want

Author: GEM

Date: 1-31-12

Character: Olivia

Rating: T

Summary: In order for him to be President, the people have to elect him. We are the People. We help make the history. Olivia contemplates her decisions regarding Fitz and answers a question Verna once asked her What do you want out of this? What did you get out of this?

Disclaimer: Scandal is Property of Shonda Rimes and ABC et al.

Olivia couldn't take the guilt any longer. Cyrus's words that night in the hotel hallway haunted her more than Verna's or Mellie's. Yes, they had done this. Fitz was President. Cyrus was right, Fitz was the real deal. In the end she didn't get anything at all. She gave up everything. Cyrus became chief of staff, Mellie, First Lady, Verna, was a Supreme Court Justice, but Olivia didn't gain anything. She lost something, everything and she would have to live with her decision for the rest of her life.

Fitz, that should have been the answer to Verna question. She wanted Fitz, out of this. Mellie asked her to think about her future...think about what she wanted, and all she really wanted was Fitz. How do you admit that when the man's wife is sitting at the same table asking you what you want? The answer is you don't answer it at all.

Olivia wasn't sure what finally drove her to cross the line. It was not something she was proud of. He was married. He was her boss and she should have been able to do a better job. If she had her head truly in the game. She would have but Fitzgerald Grant was intoxicating. Olivia did have her head in the game because Fitz, the man, not the candidate became the most important thing in her life. what they had together wasn't an affair. They were truly in love. They had tried to dance around it in the beginning but the forces surrounding them were too great. They gave in, both of them, willingly and it was exactly what they needed. They both taught each other what it is to love someone fully. They formed the most lovingly relationship she had ever experienced in her life.

Olivia taught Fitz that he wasn't a coward that he was worth something. She had a difficult time keeping her wits about her as she watched Fitz's father tear away at him. Senator Fitzgerald Grant seemed to have an inane ability to poke and twist the knife just enough to cut away at her confident candidate. It was painful to watch Fitz turn into a small child again in front of his father, a man Olivia had away perceived from what she had heard and read as a self made and honorable man. Olivia learn quickly that this was not entirely the case. On more than one occasion she wished that she could just send him away.

Looking back on her decision, Senator Grant was one of the forces that caused her to say yes and give up her future. She was haunted by the way he had treated Fitz when he joined the campaign. The afternoon after his father's funeral Fitz made it clear that he wanted to win the election. She remembered the look in his eyes, through his masked grief there was a confidence that Olivia had not seen for weeks. Fitz truly believed, as he talked to her in the back yard, that he was going to win, but numbers don't lie. Cyrus was right, there was no way for him to win on his own. Love blinded her. She didn't do her job, and she had to live with that. She sold her soul to the devil the day before the election because of love. She did it for Fitz because she loved him. She knew he would make a great President. She believed in him and there no way she was going to let Fitz's father win. Senator Fitzgerald Grant never missed an opportunity to tell Fitz he wasn't a winner. It was eating at him. Fitz needed to know that he was worthy. Fitz could win. She needed him to know he was a great man, a great candidate and he would make a fantastic President. She needed to erase Gerry Grant's voice in Fitz's head. Olivia needed Fitz to win. She needed him to think he had done it all on his own. She needed him to prove his father wrong.

Olivia wanted Fitz. Everyone else at the table got what they wanted; All Olivia got was heartbreak. She knew her situation wasn't practical but she dreamed of having a life with him. A life that they might have had if she let the people decide the election. A life where they were together with everything she ever dreamed of. That's what Olivia wanted...but you can't always get what you want.

**OOO**


	2. Chapter 2

Title We Can't Always Get What We Want

Author: GEM

Date: 1-31-12

Character: Olivia

Rating: T

Summary: In order for him to be President, the people have to elect him. We are the People. We help make the history. Olivia contemplates her decisions regarding Fitz and answers a question Verna once asked her What do you want out of this? What did you get out of this?

Disclaimer: Scandal is Property of Shonda Rimes and ABC et al.

A/N: This is not a one shot any longer. I have ideas for at least three more chapters I hope you all will enjoy this look into the mind of Olivia Pope. It the near future we will also be looking at Fitz's mind as well.

Chapter 2

_"You try so hard to get that man to walk away from you. Have you stopped to consider how painful it would be if you succeed?"-Verna Thornton_

Olivia pushed again. She never knew when to stop with him. Verna was right. He let her go and she felt let she had been kicked in the gut. She felt like she was half a person. She pushed and Fitz let her go and it was painful as hell. She couldn't breathe, She sat in the chair willing him to come back as she cried. He would come back won't he? No. She pushed him and this time she pushed too hard. He wasn't coming back this time.

Olivia never thought this day would actually come. She wanted to tell him that she didn't hate him for falling in love with her. She wanted him to come back to her She wanted to hear him tell her he wasn't letting her go but none of that was going to happen.

She was alone. She was truly alone, in the dining room of a restaurant she used to love. A restaurant she would never set foot in again because this moment would replay in her every time she came here.

She tried to get herself together. She tried to tell herself that Fitz was right. They had to be responsible. She replayed ever moment with him in the past few years. The Oval Office the night of the Inauguration. She pushed him away that night but their love finally won over, the Sally Hemings Thomas Jefferson comment, the night in the Rose Garden, and those were only a few examples of the numerous times she pushed him away. Olivia the fixer overtook Olivia the person.

When she finally got herself together and left the restaurant; she went home and cried some more. Olivia heart shattered into a million pieces every time she thought about him. She walked around for days in a fog, wine had become her best friend. She stopped watching the news for fear she would catch a glimpse of him. She loved him and she pushed him a way and it was painful as hell.

Verna was right. Olivia didn't think this far in advance. She never considered what it would be like not to be able to talk to him, see him, touch him and take in his intoxicating scent when she was in the same room. Olivia was dying inside. She couldn't breathe without him. She needed to breathe. She pushed him away. He walked away from her and she was miserable without him, but she needed to move on, needed to stop pinning over someone that wasn't hers to begin with. By definition Fitzgerald Grant was away he was never hers. He is married, he has children and he is the leader of the free world, by definition he is away. Olivia would always love him. She didn't know any better. She just has to be get used loving him and to living with the pain of him not being a part of her life.


	3. Chapter 3

Title We Can't Always Get What We Want

Author: GEM

Date: 1-31-12

Character: Olivia

Rating: T

Summary: In order for him to be President, the people have to elect him. We are the People. We help make the history. Olivia contemplates her decisions regarding Fitz and answers a question Verna once asked her What do you want out of this? What did you get out of this?

Disclaimer: Scandal is Property of Shonda Rimes and ABC et al.

A/N: This is not a one shot any longer. I have ideas for at least three more chapters I hope you all will enjoy this look into the mind of Olivia Pope. It the near future we will also be looking at Fitz's mind as well.

Chapter 3

_"Do you ever wonder what you are going to do without him?" Mellie Grant_

Chaos, that was what it was like. Olivia's world was turned upside down, then it stopped and she was thrown in a world wind of chaos. Fitz was shot. He was laying in the trauma room bleeding to death. Her world had just been turned upside down. Yes, he wasn't hers to have. She experienced the heartache of that but he was always in her world. She looked around her and all she saw was chaos. Cyrus and she watched the chaos all around them, everything was out of focus. It got more out of focus as she watched the trauma team wheel Fitz to surgery, he was shot in the head. Olivia felt like she was going to be sick. It wasn't her right to be sick out him. Mellie was the one that had that right and in the back of her mind Olivia could hear screaming the voice was familiar to her. The voice belonged to the woman who had every right to the man she loved. Mellie was losing it and she couldn't do a thing to help her. She wouldn't want her help and it wasn't her place. Olivia stood in the middle of the floor frozen, the truth was she was in shock. He was shot in the head. It he lived it's possible he would never be the same.

She always thought he would be there for her. Yes, he was married. Yes, she left him so he could be a better man. Yes, she still believed he could be great. Yes, she wanted him to be the man she voted for, but she always knew he would be there for her when push can to shove, they love each other and she would never leave his side. She need to get her head in the game. She couldn't be Mellie Grant right now. Fitz needed her to be Olivia Pope. She needed to be Olivia Pope-gladiator in a suit. That was the only way she was going to survive this nightmare she was currently living.

Olivia threw herself into her work. She went with what she knew how to do. Right now it was the only way to save the love of her life. She hoped against hope that when he woke up he would remember that she was the love of his life. She hoped she would once again get the opportunity to tell him that he was the love of her life.

She found his flag pin on the floor in the trauma room and since hadn't let it out of her sight. She held the pin in her hand and thought back to the day of the inauguration. The pin was their connection. It was her way to show her love and support, because she knew she was the First Lady of his heart.

Mellie's words replayed in her head as she left the White House. '_Do you ever wonder what you are going to do without him?" _The simple answer was no. She more complicated answer was she belonged to Fitz. Fitz's own her he controls her. They control each other. She never thought about a future without him in it. Simply put without him, she is not the person she is today. He made her who she is in this very moment just by loving her If he dies, the person she is will die with him. She will die with him. Olivia curled up against his unconscious body willing him to wake up because Mellie was right the ruse could only go on so much longer. She couldn't pretend to love him from afar any longer. She needed him to know who she really was, how she really felt and she need to saw these thing allowed because that was the only way they would be real to her. The painful thing about her newfound honesty was it couldn't never happen. She would have to continue to be content with loving him from afar. She would have to be content with news broadcasts, late night phone call and the wayward glances when she saw him in a crowd.

She simply didn't know how to breathe without him. She didn't know how to live a life without him in it. Olivia couldn't live with the heartbreak any longer. When he woke up and this was over things would go back to the way they were since they had arrived in Washington. He was President and married after all. Olivia knew her place even if she wasn't content with the situation. She didn't want to love him from afar anymore but that was what was best for him. At least he would be in her life in some capacity, as he has always been since that day in New Hampshire. Living a life with him in it, in that way, as painful as it was to her and her heart would have to be enough.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

_"The man you love almost died. you haven't had a chance to process that yet. Go home get some sleep."_

The world around her was spinning out of control. She thought she fixed the David Rosen problem but she hadn't. She was the bad guy in reality David was the good guy. A person's actions define who there are. A person's choices define who they become. She made a choice. The wrong choice.

Cyrus was handling her problem but she was still walking around in a fog. She went straight home from the White House. She buried herself in bed and allowed her guilt to swallow her alive. She thought about Fitz. David was investigating the Cytron explosion. He knew about the election. It was only a matter of time before it would become clear that she was indeed one of the bad guys. Olivia's life was about to be turned on its head. Fitz would know the truth. He would know that he didn't do this on his own. He would know that he needed help to win the election and he would know that she was involved. He would act like it didn't matter but it would eat at him inside.

Olivia loves him deeply. She trusts him without question. She would walk through fire for him and he would do the same for her. She has done so already. She said yes. She became the bad guy for Fitz. She became the bad guy so her could become the good guy. Olivia could bury herself deep enough in the bed. Every time she thought of Fitz her stomach would flip and sink like a rock. The only person the this truth would hurt now was Fitz.

Edison was the next of today's problems. This would also be another thing that would hurt Fitz. He asked her to marry him. She hated him for it but he did it anyway. She always dreamed that one day those words would come out of Fitz mouth and be directed to her but it was Edison who asked once again. She had said yes once but then realized they were wrong and broke it off.

So what had changed. He called her a criminal, a whore, an idiot and a liar and then less then twelve hours later handed her a ring. She was speechless. She hadn't answered and thinking about it now made her absolutely sick. Edison could give her normal, normal would be a good thing. She could stop being the bad guy and be normal, but she didn't want normal. Normal was never really her thing and it was overrated.

Olivia didn't want normal she wanted Fitz. She knew that if she continued down this road. If Hollis took David's offer. She wouldn't get normal or Fitz. Everything they worked for would be gone. Cyrus, Verna, Mellie and she would be exposed for who they really were and Fitz would crumble because he would perceive his entire life a lie. They were the bad guys, what they did was wrong. Cyrus, was his best friend, Verna was the only friend of his father who's opinion he valued, Mellie was his wife, and She was the love of his life. If this came to a head it would hurt him. Fitz would be the one it would truly hurt. The thought of him being hurt and not knowing who he can trust made her sick. She loved him. She did this because she loved but she was certain he wouldn't see it that way.

She laid in bed staring up at the ceiling wishing for one minute. She wanted one minute to have him next to her. She wanted to feel his strong arms around her. In that one minute she would believe that nothing bad would happen She wanted one minute to lose herself in everything Fitzgerald Grant before their world came to an end.


	5. Chapter 5

Title We Can't Always Get What We Want

Author: GEM

Date: 2-7-12

Character: Olivia

Rating: T

Summary: In order for him to be President, the people have to elect him. We are the People. We help make the history. Olivia contemplates her decisions regarding Fitz and answers a question Verna once asked her What do you want out of this? What did you get out of this?

Disclaimer: Scandal is Property of Shonda Rimes and ABC et al.

A.N. Thank you for the reviews, favs, and follows on this one. This is the final chapter of this one. I hope you enjoy it. Happy Scandal Thursday! Read and Review.

**Chapter 5**

_"Whatever's wrong we'll fix it. Just say you'll wait for me." Fitzgerald Grant_

There was no way to fix what was wrong. Olivia couldn't stand the guilt any longer. When Fitz used to call a calm would wash over her most times. They conversations became escapes for them both. Now, listening to the sound of his voice made her head spin and her stomach upset.

He could tell instantly that something was amiss. He told her that they would fix it. He used the words_ we'll fix. We_-implying that would do it together that he wanted her in his life. Implying that he would never leave her. Olivia wished that that could be the truth but she knew that in the end there would no longer be a _we._

There was no fixing what they did. There was no happy ending. The guilt was eating her alive She wanted to believe that he would stand by her, stand by all of them. The truth is what they did was inexcusable. He wouldn't be able to stomach what they did. Fitz wouldn't trust her any longer.

The election cost her everything. Fitz was the final payment. She curled up and cried. She wasn't ready to pay for her sins, the price was just too high. She should tell him but she stops herself every time because Fitz is too high a price to pay for what they did.

Olivia kept thinking back to the night when Fitz and she were watching Judge Keating. Fitz said that he believed that love at the end of the day is stronger than some mistake that somebody made. Something they did that they regret. I think that love allows for forgiveness, don't you?"

Olivia felt closed in that night, because there are some things that are just unforgivable. She wanted to believe that Fitz was talking to her that night at the White House but her gut told her different. Her gut said she didn't deserve forgiveness. What she did, what they did to him, for him was unforgivable. Olivia knew Fitz would never forgive her if he ever found out. It didn't matter if he divorce Mellie and she waited for him. If he found out what they did, he wouldn't wait for her. He would never be able to forgive her.


End file.
